Remember when you couldn’t keep your hands off each other?
When you’d stay up late talking about everything and nothing?
When sex was spontaneous and frequent, not something you had to pencil in between diaper changes and bedtime routines?
Yeah. Then kids happened.
And suddenly, intimacy became the thing you meant to get back to “eventually.”
You’re exhausted. Touched out. Running on fumes and coffee.
By the time the kids are asleep, both too tired to do anything except scroll your phones in silence before passing out.
Romance? What’s that?
Deep conversations? Maybe next year.
Physical connection often fades when you’re both exhausted. Learn how to bring back closeness and passion, even when life feels nonstop.
Here’s what nobody warns you about: having kids doesn’t just change your schedule. It changes your relationship.
Not just lovers anymore. A parenting team. Roommates managing chaos, trying to find your way back to each other again.
If not careful, that’s all become. Two people surviving instead of truly connecting.
But it doesn’t have to stay that way.
Rebuilding intimacy after kids isn’t about recapturing what you had before. It’s about creating something new that works for this season of life.
It takes intention. Effort. Small, consistent steps.
Let me show you how.
#1: Make Time for Uninterrupted Conversations
When’s the last time you had a real conversation?
Not logistics about who’s picking up the kids or what’s for dinner. A real, meaningful conversation.
About your dreams. Your fears. What’s been on your mind lately.
How to do it:
Set aside 15-20 minutes after the kids go to bed. No TV. No phones.
Just talk.
Ask open-ended questions. Things on their mind this week. Something they’re looking forward to.
Listen without planning your response or jumping in with solutions.
You’d be surprised how much closer you feel when you actually talk like you used to.
#2: Bring Back Physical Affection (Beyond the Bedroom)
You know what gets lost after kids? Non-sexual touch.
Everything becomes functional. A quick peck goodbye. A pat on the shoulder.
No Lingering hugs fade. Random kisses stop. Touching just to feel close becomes rare..
How to do it:
Touch each other throughout the day without expecting it to lead anywhere.
A hand on the lower back while passing in the kitchen.
Sitting close on the couch instead of on opposite ends.
A long hug when one of you gets home from work.
Physical affection keeps you connected in ways that words can’t.
#3: Schedule Regular Date Nights—Even at Home
I know, Scheduling romance sounds unromantic.
But here’s the reality: if you don’t schedule it, it won’t happen.
Spontaneity dies when you have kids. Accept it and work around it.
How to do it:
Pick one night a week. Mark it on the calendar.
Get a babysitter if you can. Or do an at-home date after bedtime.
Order takeout. Watch a movie. Play a board game. Cook together.
The activity doesn’t matter. What matters is that you’re focusing on each other instead of the kids or the never-ending to-do list.
#4: Communicate Openly About Your Needs
You’re frustrated because he’s not initiating intimacy. He’s frustrated because you keep rejecting him.
Neither of you is saying what you actually need, so you’re both walking around hurt and resentful.
How to do it:
Have the awkward conversation.
“I want to feel close to you, but I’m so exhausted by the end of the day.”
“I need more physical affection to feel connected.”
“Can we figure out a time that works for both of us?”
Your partner can’t read your mind. Tell them what you need without blame or accusations.
And listen when they tell you what they need too.
#5: Share Daily Gratitude for Each Other
Easy to focus on things a partner isn’t doing, their forgetfulness, their mistakes. Gratitude shifts focus back to the good.
How to do it:
Before bed, share one thing you appreciated about each other that day.
“Thanks for handling bath time tonight.”
“I loved how you made me laugh this morning.”
Small acknowledgments build connection. They remind you why you’re a team.
#6: Laugh Together Again
When’s the last time you belly-laughed with your spouse?
Not a polite chuckle. A real, tears-streaming-down-your-face laugh.
Life is heavy. Parenting is stressful. You need moments of lightness.
How to do it:
Watch a comedy together. Reminisce about something ridiculous from your past. Make inside jokes.
Be silly. Be goofy. Stop taking everything so seriously.
Laughter releases tension and creates positive memories. It’s intimacy in disguise.
#7: Revisit Shared Hobbies or Interests
Remember when you used to do things together that weren’t kid-related?
Hiking. Cooking. Playing video games. Reading the same books.
Those shared interests created connection. And you can bring them back.
How to do it:
Pick one thing you both used to enjoy and make time for it.
Even if it’s just once a month. Even if it’s modified to fit your current life.
The point is doing something together that reminds you you’re more than just parents.
#8: Be Intentional with Touch—Hold Hands, Hug, Cuddle
Touch shouldn’t only happen when you’re trying to initiate sex.
It should be part of your daily routine.
How to do it:
Hold hands when you’re walking. Cuddle on the couch. Hug for at least 10 seconds.
Touch releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone, creating closeness without words.
And honestly? Sometimes a long hug says more than a conversation ever could.
#9: Create Small Moments of Surprise and Romance
Romance doesn’t have to be expensive or elaborate.
Small surprises show thinking about each other.
How to do it:
Leave a sweet note. Bring home their favorite snack. Send a flirty text in the middle of the day.
Run them a bath after a hard day. Make their coffee in the morning.
Tiny gestures accumulate. They remind your spouse that they’re still special to you.
#10: Support Each Other’s Self-Care and Rest
You can’t connect when both running on empty.
Intimacy requires energy. And energy requires rest.
How to do it:
Give each other breaks. “Go take a nap, I’ve got the kids.”
Encourage hobbies. Support time with friends.
Taking care of yourselves individually makes you better partners together.
A well-rested, less stressed spouse is more emotionally and physically available.
#11: Talk About More Than the Kids
Conversations revolve around kids; milestones, behavior, schedules; all centered on them.
Not just co-parents, but individuals with thoughts and feelings that go beyond parenting.
How to do it:
Make a rule: no kid talk during certain times. Like the first 10 minutes of dinner or the last 15 minutes before bed.
Ask about work. Dreams. What they’ve been reading or watching.
Reconnect as people, not just as mom and dad.
#12: Remember You’re a Couple—Not Just Parents
This is the big one.
Your identity can’t only be “parent.” Your relationship can’t only be about managing kids.
Because one day, the kids will grow up and leave. And it’ll just be the two of you again.
Will you continue to know each other, like each other, and feel connected?
How to do it:
Prioritize your marriage. Not in a selfish way, but in a sustainable way.
Kids need happy, connected parents more than they need your undivided attention 24/7.
When you invest in your relationship, everyone benefits.
Show your kids what a healthy, loving partnership looks like. That’s one of the best gifts you can give them.
My View
Look, I’m not gonna lie. Rebuilding intimacy after kids is hard.
Tired body, changed priorities, everything feels different now.
And some days, just surviving feels like an accomplishment. Romance? That feels like a luxury you can’t afford.
But here’s what I’ve learned: intimacy doesn’t have to mean grand gestures or perfect moments.
It’s the little things. The daily choices to stay connected even when it’s hard.
A hug that lasts longer than usual. A conversation that goes deeper than logistics. Holding hands while watching TV.
Not trying to go back to how things were before kids, but building something new.
A partnership that’s stronger because it survived the trenches of early parenthood.
A love that’s deeper because it’s been tested and chosen over and over.
Start small. Pick one thing from this list and do it this week.
One this week, another the next, and another after that.
Slowly, the shift appears laughter returns, touch deepens, connection grows.
Your marriage didn’t end when you became parents.
It just evolved.
And if you’re intentional about it, it can be even better than it was before.
Don’t wait until “life calms down” to reconnect. Life won’t calm down.
Start rebuilding now. One small moment at a time.
Future selves and kids will be grateful for the effort put in now.