“She’s just being helpful.”
That’s what my husband said every time his mother overstepped. Every time she made a decision about our house. Our schedule. Our lives.
Maybe she believed she was being helpful. It didn’t feel supportive though. It felt controlling.
At first it was hard to name. She seemed pleasant and smiled to my face, but there was always an unspoken message that she knew better.
It took years to understand what was happening.
She was not just an involved mother-in-law. She was actively trying to maintain control over her son’s life, our life, even though he was married.
My husband couldn’t see it. To him, it was just his mom being his mom.
If this feels familiar, you likely sense what I did. Something feels off, even if it’s hard to explain. That instinct matters.
Not every mother-in-law is controlling. Many are supportive and respect boundaries.
The controlling ones, though, often mask manipulation as love, interference as concern, and control as help.
These 12 signs will help you identify what’s really happening. So you can stop second guessing yourself and start protecting your marriage.
1. She Gives Unsolicited Advice About Your Relationship
She has opinions about everything. Your communication. Your money choices. How often you should see each other. Your approach to marriage.
You didn’t ask, but she shares them anyway. Constantly.
“You shouldn’t let him work so much.” “You’re too strict with him.” “Back then, wives never…” She sets herself up as the expert on how your marriage should run.
She’s asserting that her opinion matters more than your autonomy as a couple. She’s maintaining influence over decisions that aren’t hers to make.
2. She Undermines Your Decisions
You and your spouse make a decision. She openly disagrees or works to change it behind your back.
Maybe it’s about parenting. Where you live. Career choices. Doesn’t matter. If she doesn’t like it, she undermines it.
You choose not to host Thanksgiving. She tells your spouse how upset she is and lectures on how family should come first.
She approaches him alone, trying to get him to overturn your shared decision.
She refuses to accept that you and your spouse make decisions as a team. She wants the final say.
3. She Competes for Your Spouse’s Loyalty
She acts like you’re competition. Like you stole her son. Like his love for you means less love for her.
She forces him to choose. Keeps score. Resents the time he spends with you.
Guilt trips appear when he chooses you. Remarks like you never visit anymore or you used to share everything are meant to make him feel that loving you means abandoning her.
She’s refusing to accept that her role has changed. She wants primary position in his life, and you’re the obstacle.
4. She Disrespects Your Boundaries
You set clear boundaries. She ignores them. Repeatedly.
You ask for a call before visiting. She arrives unannounced. You insist decisions need to be yours. She inserts herself anyway.
Boundaries are crossed without apology or recognition. When addressed, she deflects, saying she’s just trying to help or didn’t think it mattered.
Respecting boundaries means accepting your autonomy. She won’t do that. She wants access and influence without limits.
5. She Uses Guilt or Emotional Pressure
When she doesn’t get her way, she deploys guilt. Tears. Hurt feelings. Disappointment.
She makes your spouse feel like a bad son if he doesn’t comply. Makes you feel like a bad person for “keeping him from his family.”
I guess I’m not important anymore. After everything I’ve done. I never imagined my son would abandon me. Emotional manipulation presented as hurt feelings.
Guilt is a powerful control tool. She’s learned that if she makes you both feel bad enough, you’ll give in.
6. She Inserts Herself Into Conflicts
When you and your spouse argue, she gets involved. Takes sides. Offers her opinion. Makes it her business.
She wants to be part of your conflict resolution, not let you work it out yourselves.
Your spouse vents to her about a disagreement. Instead of encouraging him to resolve it with you, she validates his frustration and criticizes you.
Sometimes she even steps in during an argument under the guise of mediating.
Healthy boundaries mean your conflicts stay between you. She refuses those boundaries because being involved means maintaining influence.
7. She Criticizes You to Your Spouse
She doesn’t criticize you directly. That would be too obvious. Instead, she plants seeds of doubt in his mind.
Subtle comments about how you’re not good enough. How he could do better. How you’re changing him.
“You seem stressed lately, is everything okay at home?” “You used to be so happy before…” “She doesn’t appreciate you like she should.”
She’s trying to create distance between you. Undermining your relationship strengthens her position in his life.
8. She Makes Decisions on Your Behalf
She plans things for you without asking. Makes purchases for your home. Makes commitments you didn’t agree to.
She acts like your lives are hers to organize.
She purchases furniture for your home without consulting you. Commits both of you to family events without checking your availability. Plans your holidays without asking.
She’s asserting authority over your life. Refusing to accept that these decisions aren’t hers to make.
9. She Plays Favorites or Shows Jealousy
She treats her son’s siblings’ spouses differently than you. Better. Warmer. More respectful.
Or she’s openly jealous of your relationship with her son. Resentful of time he spends with you.
Other in-laws receive warmth and inclusion. You face coldness and criticism.
She signals that you’re not truly family or competes for his attention by planning conflicting events and demanding he choose.
Unequal treatment is a power play. It keeps you off-balance and reminds you that acceptance is conditional.
10. She Uses Money or Help to Gain Control
She provides financial assistance with conditions. Uses money to influence decisions.
Or she “helps” in ways that create dependency or obligation.
She offers to pay for something, then holds it over you. “After I paid for your wedding…” Or she helps excessively so you “owe” her access or influence.
Money and assistance turn into tools for manipulation. Gifts are not given freely but as a means to control.
11. She Disrespects Your Role as a Spouse
She acts like she’s still the primary woman in her son’s life. Like you’re an accessory, not a partner.
She doesn’t defer to you as his spouse. Doesn’t respect that you come first now.
She makes medical decisions for him. Holds his passwords. Has keys to your house.
Makes plans for him without consulting you. Acts like she has more right to information about his life than you do.
She refuses to acknowledge the biblical principle of leaving and cleaving. She won’t accept that her role has changed.
12. She Refuses to Let Go
Even when confronted, she won’t back off. When boundaries are set, she finds ways around them.
She can’t accept that her son is an adult with his own family. She holds on tighter instead of loosening her grip.
Every conversation ends with her crying about being “pushed away” or “losing her son.” She escalates when boundaries are enforced.
She refuses to accept that the relationship needs to evolve.
Refusing to let go is the ultimate control move. She’d rather damage the relationship than lose control.
My Recommendation
Here’s what I learned the hard way: you can’t fix this alone. Your spouse has to see it and address it.
If he constantly defends her, downplays your concerns, or makes you feel like you’re overreacting, the issue isn’t just his mother but his unwillingness to protect your marriage.
What needs to happen:
Talk to your spouse honestly. Not in anger. Not mid-conflict. Sit down and explain how specific behaviors affect you. Use examples. Stay calm.
He needs to set the boundaries. Not you. Him. She’s his mother. If boundaries come from you, she’ll just resent you more and he’ll feel caught in the middle. He needs to lead this.
Consequences matter. Boundaries without consequences are merely suggestions. If she crosses them, there must be consequences, even if it’s just limiting access for a time.
Consider counseling. A therapist can help your spouse see dynamics he’s too close to recognize. And help you both present a united front.
Protect your marriage first. His mother’s feelings must come second to the health of your marriage. Always. Genesis 2:24 teaches that a man leaves his parents and unites with his wife, not the reverse.
You might have to limit contact. If she won’t respect boundaries and he won’t enforce them, protect yourself by limiting exposure. Let him have his relationship, but avoid the toxicity.
This isn’t about making him choose. It’s about him understanding that his primary family is you now. That doesn’t mean abandoning his mother. It means restructuring the relationship appropriately.
Be patient with him. This is his mother. These patterns are lifelong. Seeing them clearly takes time. Give him space to process, but don’t accept inaction forever.
Take care of yourself. This dynamic drains and invalidates you. Seek support through therapy, friends, or others who understand. Avoid isolation.
The hardest truth is some mother-in-laws never change, and some spouses never fully set boundaries. You have to decide what you can accept.
You deserve a marriage where your spouse supports you, respects your boundaries, and makes you a priority.
Don’t settle for less just to “keep the peace.” Peace at the cost of your marriage isn’t real peace.
Stand firm, protect your marriage, and if he won’t, use that knowledge to make informed decisions about your future..
You’re not crazy. You’re not overreacting. And you’re not alone.