Nobody warned me that having a baby would almost cost me my marriage.
Sure, everyone joked about sleepless nights and dirty diapers. But no one mentioned the distance that would creep in between my husband and me.
The way we’d become more like business partners managing a tiny human than the couple who used to stay up talking for hours.
The resentment that builds over doing more, feeling more exhausted, making greater sacrifices.
We didn’t see it happening. We were just surviving, doing what we thought good parents should do: putting our baby first, always.
One quiet evening, as we sat across from each other, drained, frustrated, and feeling completely alone, we finally realized how many mistakes we had made.
The good news? We caught it. We course-corrected. And our marriage is stronger now than it was before kids.
If you’re a new parent or about to become one, here are the five biggest mistakes couples make after having children, and more importantly, how to avoid them before they damage what you’ve built together.
Mistake #1: Neglecting the Relationship
It starts innocently enough. Your baby needs you constantly, so date nights disappear. Physical intimacy takes a backseat because you’re both exhausted.
Those long conversations you used to have? Now you’re just coordinating schedules and dividing tasks.
Weeks turn into months, and suddenly you realize you’re living with a roommate, not a partner.
You’re parenting together, but you’ve stopped being a couple.
Why this happens: You tell yourself “the baby needs us right now, we’ll reconnect later.” But later never comes.
The relationship muscle atrophies when you stop using it, and before you know it, you’ve forgotten how to be romantic, playful, or even intimate with each other.
How to avoid it:
Protect your relationship like it’s your job, because it is. Your kids need parents who love each other, not just parents who love them.
- Schedule date nights like you’d schedule a doctor’s appointment. Even if it’s just 30 minutes after the baby’s asleep, make it sacred time for the two of you.
- Touch each other throughout the day. A hand on the back, a kiss on the forehead, holding hands while watching TV. Physical connection doesn’t have to be sexual to be meaningful.
- Ask about each other’s days and actually listen. Not just logistics—real conversation about feelings, thoughts, dreams.
- Remember: your relationship existed before this child and needs to exist beyond them. You’re not just parents. You’re still partners, lovers, friends.
Mistake #2: Poor Communication About Parenting Roles
Here’s what no one tells you: having a baby will expose every unspoken expectation you have about division of labor, gender roles, and what it means to “pull your weight.”
One partner feels overwhelmed by carrying the load, while the other feels unseen and undervalued
. They are exhausted and trying their hardest, yet somehow each ends up feeling wronged. Quiet resentment simmers until it erupts over something trivial—like forgetting the diapers.
Why this happens: You assume your partner knows what you need or sees what needs to be done.
You don’t communicate because you’re too tired or you think it’s obvious. Meanwhile, they’re making completely different assumptions about responsibilities and fairness.
How to avoid it:
Talk about it. Explicitly. Repeatedly.
- Have regular check-ins to review how responsibilities are shared. Which areas are working well, which are causing tension, and where do changes need to happen?
- Be specific about what you need. Don’t say “I need more help.” Say “Can you handle bath time every evening so I can have 30 minutes to myself?”
- Acknowledge what your partner does. It’s easy to only see what they’re not doing. Make effort to notice and appreciate what they are doing.
- Remember you’re on the same team. The goal isn’t to win or prove who’s more exhausted. It’s to figure out how to support each other.
- Revisit this conversation constantly. What works with a newborn won’t work with a toddler. Keep adjusting.
Mistake #3: Ignoring Self-Care and Individual Identity
When you become a parent, it’s easy to lose yourself entirely.
Every minute revolves around this tiny person, and suddenly you don’t remember what you used to enjoy or who you used to be.
Then you look at your partner and realize you don’t recognize them either. They’ve disappeared into parenthood too.
And you’re both shells of the interesting people who fell in love years ago.
Why this happens: Self-care feels selfish when there’s a baby who needs you. You convince yourself you don’t have time for hobbies, friends, or anything that’s just for you.
Meanwhile, you’re running on empty, losing yourself, and becoming increasingly resentful.
How to avoid it:
Give each other permission and time to be individuals, not just parents.
- Each of you needs dedicated time away from the baby to do something you enjoy. Not errands. Actual restorative activities.
- Maintain at least one hobby or interest outside of parenting. Keep reading, exercising, creating, or whatever makes you feel like yourself.
- See your friends. Not just couple friends with kids. Your own friends who knew you before you became a parent.
- Take breaks without guilt. Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish; it’s what allows you to show up fully for your family.
- Encourage your partner to do the same. When they take time for themselves, don’t make them feel guilty about it.
When both partners maintain their individual identities, they bring more to the relationship.
You’re not just two exhausted parents; you’re still two interesting people who chose each other.
Mistake #4: Putting Kids at the Center of the Marriage
This sounds counterintuitive, but hear me out: your children should not be the center of your marriage.
Too many couples reshape their lives around their children.
Decisions, conversations, and moments revolve around the kids’ needs, while the marriage quietly slips into the background.
Why this happens: You love your kids fiercely and want to give them everything. Society tells you good parents sacrifice everything.
So you do—including your marriage.
How to avoid it:
Put your marriage at the center and let your children orbit around it.
This doesn’t mean neglecting your kids. It means understanding that the best thing you can do for your children is model a healthy, loving relationship.
They need to see parents who choose each other, prioritize each other, and maintain a strong partnership.
- Make decisions as a couple first, then as parents. “What’s best for our family?” includes “What’s best for our marriage?”
- Don’t let kids dominate every conversation. Talk about things other than parenting.
- Show affection in front of your children. Let them see you kiss, hug, laugh together.
- Maintain boundaries. Kids don’t need to be involved in every aspect of your life or relationship.
- Remember: one day these children will grow up and leave. Your spouse is supposed to still be there. Don’t neglect the relationship you’ll need to sustain for decades.
A strong marriage provides security for children.
When kids see parents who genuinely love and prioritize each other, they learn what healthy relationships look like.
Mistake #5: Avoiding Difficult Conversations
Parenting uncovers differences you never realized.
Approaches to discipline, limits on screen time, decisions about sleep training, the role of grandparents, and managing finances as expenses rise—all become points of negotiation.
These aren’t small disagreements; they’re fundamental differences about values, control, and the future you’re building.
And many couples avoid talking about them because they’re too tired to fight or afraid of what they’ll discover.
Why this happens: You’re exhausted, emotional, and barely keeping it together.
The last thing you want is conflict. So you table difficult conversations, make decisions unilaterally, or quietly resent each other’s choices.
The problems don’t go away; they just go underground.
How to avoid it:
Have the hard conversations before they become explosive fights.
- Pick a time when you’re both calm (not at 2 a.m. after a rough night).
- Start with curiosity, not judgment. “Help me understand why you feel that way” instead of “That’s ridiculous.”
- Be willing to compromise. You won’t agree on everything, but you can usually find middle ground.
- Get help if you need it. There’s no shame in seeing a therapist to navigate these transitions. Sometimes a third party can help you hear each other.
- Remember you’re learning together. Neither of you has done this before. Give each other grace.
The couples who make it through the parenting years strong aren’t the ones who never disagree.
They’re the ones who’ve learned to disagree productively, without letting resentment poison their relationship.
My Life Lesson
Here’s what I learned the hard way: having children doesn’t have to damage your marriage, but it will test it in ways you can’t imagine.
The couples who thrive aren’t perfect. They make mistakes.
They have hard seasons. But they’re intentional about protecting their relationship, even when it feels impossible.
My husband and I almost became one of those statistics—couples who drift apart after kids and never find their way back.
But we made a decision: our marriage mattered too much to let it die quietly under the weight of parenting.
We started having weekly check-ins, even when we were exhausted. We got a babysitter once a week, even when money was tight. We went to therapy.
We had hard conversations about resentment, expectations, and what we needed from each other.
It wasn’t easy, but it was worth it. Because now we’re not just surviving parenthood, we’re actually enjoying it together.
Your kids deserve parents who love them fiercely. But they also deserve parents who love each other. Don’t sacrifice your marriage on the altar of perfect parenting.
You can be great parents and great partners. It just takes intention, communication, and the willingness to keep choosing each other—even when everything else demands your attention.
Because one day, your kids will grow up and leave. Make sure the person you’re left with is still someone you want to be with.