I was doing everything right. Or so I thought.
I’d cook his favorite meals. Keep the apartment clean. Handle errands without being asked. Pour effort into making his life easier.
And he’d thank me, sure. But something felt off. Like I was giving everything I had and it wasn’t quite landing.
Then one day, frustrated, I asked: “Do you even notice what I do?”
He looked confused. “I notice, but what I really need is time with you. We barely talk anymore.”
Love had been expressed in my language not his. Acts of service versus quality time both efforts yet missing each other.
Knowing love languages is not enough. Most know them vaguely as words, acts, time, touch, or gifts. The key is identifying which one truly fills the partner’s tank.
These 15 questions reveal how they feel seen, valued, and cherished.
Not generic answers. Specific, actionable insight into what your partner needs from you.
Ask them over coffee. During a drive. When you’re both relaxed and have time to really talk.
And listen carefully. Because the answers might surprise you. They might challenge what you thought you knew.
But they’ll transform how you love each other.
Words of Affirmation
Some people need to hear it, not just I love you, but specific words that affirm who they are and what they mean to you.
If this is your partner’s language, silence feels like rejection. No matter what you do, if you’re not saying it, they’re not feeling it.
1. What kind of compliments or encouraging words mean the most to you?
Don’t just ask if they like compliments. Get specific.
Compliments about appearance? Character? Effort? Intelligence? Specific things they’ve done?
Some people want to hear they’re beautiful. Others need to hear they’re capable. Others want affirmation of their character.
Pay attention to which compliments make them light up. Notice what they repeat back to friends later. That’s what lands deepest.
2. How do you feel when someone expresses appreciation verbally?
This reveals how much weight they put on spoken words.
Do verbal thanks actually matter to them? Or do they prefer appreciation shown through actions?
If verbal appreciation means a lot, they need you to say thank you, say you’re proud, say you noticed. Regularly.
Do they describe feeling seen and valued? Or do they say words feel empty without action? This tells you how much verbal appreciation matters.
3. What’s something you wish people would say to you more often?
This one cuts straight to what they’re missing.
“I appreciate you.” “You handled that well.” “I notice how hard you work.” “You make my life better.” “I’m proud of you.”
Whatever they wish they heard more often is exactly what they need from you.
The specific phrase they mention. Write it down. Say it to them regularly. Watch how they respond.
Acts of Service
For some people, actions speak louder than words. They feel loved when you make their life easier.
Taking things off their plate. Anticipating needs. Doing the task they’ve been dreading.
If this is their language, all the I love yous in the world do not compare. Filling their gas tank or handling the dishes without being asked matters more.
4. What actions make you feel truly cared for?
Not what they appreciate in theory. What actually makes them feel loved.
Is it when someone handles a responsibility? Runs an errand? Fixes something that’s been broken? Makes their morning easier?
Specific actions they mention, not generic answers. “When someone makes dinner” is more useful than “when people help.”
5. How do you feel when someone helps you with tasks without being asked?
This reveals how much they value initiative versus instruction.
Some people feel cared for when you ask what they need and then do it. Others feel most loved when you notice and handle it without prompting.
Do they light up at the idea of not having to ask? That means unprompted service matters deeply. Anticipation is part of the love language.
6. What’s one act of kindness that always makes your day easier?
This gets practical. What specific thing consistently improves their day?
Morning coffee ready when they wake up? Picking something up on your way home? Handling a specific chore they hate?
The task that actually reduces their mental or physical load. Then do that task regularly without being asked.
Quality Time
Some people need presence. Not just being in the same room scrolling phones. Real, focused attention.
If this is their language, you can buy gifts and do chores all day, but if you’re not giving them your undivided attention, they’ll feel neglected.
7. What makes you feel most connected during time together?
Connection looks different to everyone.
Is it deep conversation? Shared activity? Parallel play where you’re doing separate things in the same space? Adventures together?
Whether they need interaction or just proximity. Both are quality time, but they’re different flavors.
8. Which activities help you feel closest to someone?
This reveals their ideal quality time scenario.
Cooking together? Long walks? Playing games? Watching movies with no phones? Working on a project side by side?
Activities that require presence and create connection. Then prioritize those activities regularly.
9. How important is uninterrupted, one-on-one time for you?
Some people need dedicated, phone free, just us time. Others are fine with group hangs and split attention.
If uninterrupted time is crucial, half-distracted togetherness doesn’t count as quality time for them.
How strongly they emphasize “uninterrupted.” If that word matters to them, your divided attention feels like rejection.
Physical Touch
For some people physical affection is how love registers. Not just sex but touch in general.
Hand holding. Hugs. Sitting close. Physical proximity and contact.
If this is their language, you can say beautiful things and do thoughtful acts, but if you’re not touching them, they don’t feel loved.
10. What types of physical affection make you feel loved?
Get specific. Touch is broad.
Holding hands? Back rubs? Cuddling on the couch? Random hugs throughout the day? Kisses on the forehead?
Which forms of touch they mention. Not all touch is equal. Some people love hand holding but don’t care about back rubs.
11. How do you feel when affection is missing for a while?
This reveals how essential physical touch is to them feeling connected.
Do they feel disconnected? Anxious? Rejected? Or do they barely notice?
If lack of touch creates emotional distance for them physical affection is not optional. It is necessary.
Emotional language. If they describe feeling unloved or distant when touch is absent, physical affection is critical.
12. What forms of touch make you feel most comfortable and secure?
Comfort matters. Not all touch feels good to everyone.
Some people love public displays of affection. Others prefer private touch. Some want frequent contact. Others want less.
Their comfort boundaries. Then stay within those while still providing the touch they need.
Receiving Gifts
For some people tangible symbols of love matter. Not materialism but thoughtfulness made visible.
The gift doesn’t have to be expensive. But it has to show you were thinking of them. That you paid attention.
If this is their language, thoughtful gifts communicate love in ways words and actions don’t.
13. How do you feel when someone gives you a thoughtful gift?
This isn’t about whether they like getting things. It’s about what gifts represent emotionally.
Do gifts make them feel remembered? Valued? Like someone was thinking of them?
Whether gifts carry emotional weight beyond the object itself. If they describe feeling seen or known, gifts are a love language.
14. What kind of gifts feel the most meaningful to you?
Not what they want materially. What makes a gift feel meaningful.
Practical things they need? Sentimental items? Experiences? Inside jokes made tangible? Handmade things? Surprises?
The thought pattern that makes a gift feel loving. Then replicate that pattern, not just the items.
15. Do surprises or small tokens of love matter to you? If so, how?
Some people love surprise gifts. Others prefer being asked what they want.
Some cherish small, frequent tokens. Others prefer fewer, bigger gifts.
Frequency and predictability preferences. This shapes how you approach gift-giving.
Here’s My Thought
Knowing love languages changed the relationship but not just the concept, the specifics.
It is not enough to know a partner values quality time. Knowing what kind of quality time fills their tank matters.
Deep conversations, shared activities, simply being in the same room, date nights, adventures provide specific insight.
These 15 questions move past surface understanding to actionable details. Once answers are known, the real work begins. Speak their language, not just acknowledge it exists.
Here is what that looks like in practice.
If they need words of affirmation: Set a reminder to verbally appreciate them daily. Text compliments. Leave notes. Say the specific things they mentioned wishing they heard more.
If they need acts of service: Notice what’s on their plate and take something off it. Don’t wait to be asked. Handle the tasks they mentioned that make their day easier.
If they need quality time: Schedule dedicated time together. Put your phone away. Engage in the activities they said create connection. Show up with full attention.
If they need physical touch: Initiate the forms of affection they mentioned. Hold their hand. Hug them when you get home. Sit close on the couch. Make touch a regular part of your interaction.
If they need gifts: Notice things they mention wanting or needing. Give thoughtful tokens regularly. The cost does not matter, the thought does.
Your partner’s love language might not match yours. You could speak acts of service while they need words of affirmation. Effort may feel unrecognized if it isn’t understood.
These questions matter because they reveal gaps between what is given and what is received.
Most relationship issues come from love lost in translation. Saying “I love you” in one language while they hear another leaves both trying but disconnected.
The questions create a translation guide, showing how to express love in a way your partner understands.
Ask, listen, take notes, and do the work of loving in their language. It isn’t always natural or easy, but it is transformative.
When love is spoken in the language received, they feel seen, valued, and cherished. Effort lands.
Start with these questions, have the conversation, get specific, and love on purpose in the way they need.
That’s how you close the gap. That’s how you build something that lasts.
Not by loving harder. By loving smarter.
In the right language.