Last week my boyfriend and I ended up arguing over something minor and honestly I can’t even remember what sparked it.
But I remember what I said. The exact words. The tone. The look on his face when I said it.
I was focused on being right and ended up hurting him instead.
What people don’t always mention about relationships is that conflict is inevitable. Disagreements happen and they can even be healthy.
But there’s a difference between fighting fair and fighting dirty.
One strengthens your relationship. The other slowly destroys it.
When anger shows up the brain stops caring about fairness and just wants to win.
Protect mode kicks in and suddenly the easiest things to reach become ammo like old mistakes sharp comments and words meant to sting.
And once those words are out there, you can’t take them back.
I’ve learned this the hard way. Through fights that left us both feeling terrible. Through words I wish I could unsay. Through damage that took days to repair.
But over time I’ve learned arguments don’t have to cause damage. They can actually deepen the connection when handled with care.
These 9 strategies have saved my relationship more times than I can count. They’re not easy. Especially in the heat of the moment.
But they work. And they’re worth practicing.
1. Pause Before Reacting
Your first instinct in an argument? Probably wrong.
That first impulse to snap back or throw out a sarcastic reply just breathe and let it pass.
Just for a second. Count to three. Take a breath.
Because what you say in the first five seconds of anger is usually what you’ll regret for the next five days.
I know it’s hard. When someone says something that stings, your brain wants to sting back. That’s human.
Relationships aren’t about acting on the first reaction they’re about choosing something better.
A small pause creates space to think to choose words instead of firing back and to remember the person across from you is someone loved not someone to defeat.
Try this: When you feel that angry response rising, physically step back. Put your hand over your mouth if you have to. Just buy yourself three seconds before speaking.
Those three seconds change everything.
2. Listen Actively Without Interrupting
This is the hardest one. I’m still terrible at it.
While he’s speaking the mind is already building a comeback counting down to the moment you can explain your side and why he’s mistaken.
That’s not real listening that’s just waiting for a chance to respond.
Real listening means shutting up. Completely. Even when he says something you disagree with. Even when you’re dying to correct him.
Give him the space to say everything he needs to say before responding.
Most of the time the disagreement isn’t even about the topic on the surface it’s about wanting to feel understood.
Interrupting sends the message that your words matter more than his and that never leads anywhere good.
Try this: Put your phone down. Face him. Make eye contact. Nod when he makes a point. Show him you’re actually hearing him, not just tolerating him until it’s your turn.
You might be surprised what you learn when you actually listen.
3. Use “I” Statements Instead of “You” Statements
“You never listen to me” is an attack.
“I feel unheard when I’m talking and you’re on your phone” is a feeling.
One makes him defensive. The other opens a conversation.
Starting with phrases like you always or you never isn’t communication it’s blame. And blame doesn’t solve anything it just makes someone shut down or come out swinging.
But when you express how you feel, it’s harder to argue with. Feelings aren’t right or wrong. They just are.
He can’t tell you that you don’t feel unheard. But he can argue about whether he “never” listens.
Try this: Before speaking, mentally reframe your sentence. Change “You did X” to “I felt Y when X happened.”
It sounds like a small difference. It’s not.
4. Avoid Bringing Up the Past
This one kills relationships slowly.
The argument is about him being late tonight and suddenly a past moment like forgetting your birthday dinner three months ago gets dragged in.
Stop.
That’s not fair. And it doesn’t help.
Bringing up past mistakes in a current argument doesn’t fix anything.
It just piles up ammo trying to prove a point. The goal is to be partners not opponents.
Every argument should be about the current issue. Period. If something from the past still bothers you, address it separately. But don’t weaponize it.
Try this: If an old issue pops into your head during a fight, write it down for later. If it’s still important tomorrow, talk about it then. But keep the current argument focused on now.
One issue at a time. Otherwise, you’re just creating a bigger mess.
5. Take Breaks If Needed
Sometimes you need to walk away.
Not storm off dramatically. Not give the silent treatment. Just step away to cool down.
There’s no prize for powering through when you’re both too angry to think straight.
Say “I need a few minutes to cool down” and actually take them. Go to another room. Take a walk. Breathe.
Your brain can’t think logically when you’re flooded with emotion. That’s science. The logical part literally shuts down when you’re too angry.
So give yourself time to calm down enough to actually communicate.
Try this: Agree ahead of time on what a break looks like. How long. What you’ll do. When you’ll come back to talk.
That way, when someone needs space, it doesn’t feel like abandonment. It feels like a strategy.
Make sure to return and finish the conversation walking away for good isn’t a break it’s avoidance.
6. Focus on Solutions, Not Winning
Arguments shouldn’t have winners and losers.
If you win the argument but hurt him in the process, what exactly did you win?
The goal isn’t to prove you’re right. It’s to solve the problem together.
Ask yourself: what do I actually want to happen here? How do we fix this? What’s a compromise we can both live with?
Those questions move you forward. Proving you’re right just keeps you stuck.
I used to care so much about winning. About making sure he understood that I was right and he was wrong.
You know what that got me? A boyfriend who stopped arguing because it wasn’t worth it. And that’s way worse than losing an argument.
Try this: In the middle of a fight, ask “What’s the outcome we both want?” Usually, it’s the same thing. You just disagree on how to get there.
Focus on the shared goal. Find the middle ground.
7. Be Mindful of Your Tone and Body Language
What matters isn’t only the words used but the tone behind them.
You can say I understand and still make it sound like I think you’re being ridiculous.
Eye rolls. Crossed arms. Heavy sighs. Turning away. All of that communicates contempt. And contempt is relationship poison.
Your body language can make a calm conversation feel like an attack. Or a heated argument feel like a genuine discussion.
Notice body language facial expressions and tone since he picks up on all of it whether it’s intentional or not.
Try this: Pause during the argument adjust posture relax facial expressions and bring the voice down a notch.
It’s amazing how much your body language affects the temperature of the fight.
8. Agree to Disagree When Necessary
Sometimes, you’re not going to agree.
And that’s okay.
Not every argument needs a resolution. Some differences are just… differences.
He loves pineapple on pizza while you think it’s sacrilege.
There’s no convincing each other. So a compromise is made half and half is ordered and life moves on.
Trying to force agreement on everything is exhausting. And unnecessary.
Pick your battles. Decide what actually matters and what’s just preference.
Try this: When unsure ask whether it’s a deal breaker or simply a difference. If it’s the latter let it go and focus energy on what truly matters.
9. End the Conversation with Reassurance
This is the most important one.
After a fight especially a difficult one both need reassurance that everything is still okay.
Say it out loud. “I love you. We’re okay. I’m not going anywhere.”
Because fights are scary. They make you wonder if this is the beginning of the end. If he’s going to get tired of arguing and leave.
Don’t let him sit with that fear. And don’t sit with it yourself.
Arguments don’t mean the relationship is broken they show you’re human and care enough to stand up for what matters.
After resolving the conflict offer reassurance hug hold hands and make eye contact to show that one fight doesn’t change everything.
Try this: Make this a non-negotiable. No matter how the argument went, end it with “We’re good. I love you.”
That reassurance is what keeps arguments from becoming resentment.
I’d Suggest
Here’s what I wish someone had told me earlier.
Arguments aren’t the problem. How you handle them is.
Disagreements over money chores family or plans can actually bring you closer if handled well, while even minor arguments done poorly can hurt the relationship.
The difference is whether you’re fighting to hurt each other or fighting to understand each other.
These 9 strategies aren’t magical. They won’t stop arguments or make disagreements vanish.
But they will prevent the kind of damage that’s hard to repair. The words you can’t take back. The hurt that lingers.
Mistakes still happen. Words still come out in anger and reactions still come before taking a pause.
But I’m better than I was. And every time I use one of these strategies, our relationship gets a little stronger. A little safer. A little more solid.
Because that’s what matters. Not whether you argue. But whether you argue in a way that respects the person you’re arguing with.
He isn’t an enemy he’s a partner.
Treat him with care even in anger especially in anger. The fights remembered years later aren’t the ones you won but the ones where kindness was chosen over being right.
Choose kindness. Even when it’s hard. Especially when it’s hard.
Your relationship will thank you for it.