For years, my husband and I had the same bedtime routine.
Scroll through phones. Maybe mumble “goodnight.” Roll over. Go to sleep.
There was no conflict or obvious pain. Just quiet routines, shared space, and a growing sense of emotional distance.
Then one night, he put his phone down and asked, “How was your day? Really, how was it?”
And we talked. For twenty minutes. About nothing earth-shattering. Just our days. Our thoughts. Each other.
We both went to sleep feeling closer than we had in weeks.
That’s when I realized: how you end the day together matters. A lot.
Those last thirty minutes before sleep? They’re either connecting you or letting you drift further apart.
Most couples don’t think about it. They’re tired. They just want to zone out and sleep. Bedtime becomes autopilot.
But happy couples do something different. They’re intentional about those final moments of the day.
Not in some elaborate, time-consuming way. Just small habits. Things that take minutes but make all the difference.
These nine things aren’t complicated. You don’t need a perfect relationship to start them. You just need to be willing to be a little more present at the end of the day.
1. Practice Gratitude Together
Before sleep, share one thing you’re grateful for. Could be about each other. Could be about the day. Could be anything.
“Thanks for grabbing dinner tonight.”
“I’m glad your meeting turned out well.”
“I appreciate having a cozy bed to sleep in.”
Sounds simple. But it shifts your brain from stress and complaints to appreciation.
Why it works: Go to bed thinking about the positive moments rather than the mistakes. That mindset shapes how you experience your relationship and your life as a couple.
It takes thirty seconds. But it changes the tone of your night.
2. Talk About the Day Without Distractions
Avoid scrolling, ignore the TV, and give your full attention instead of half listening.
Just talk. Face each other. Ask about their day. Actually listen.
It doesn’t have to be deep. Just connection. Presence.
“How was your meeting?” “What did the kids do today?” “Anything stressful happen?”
Why it works: Most couples barely talk during the day. Work, kids, responsibilities. Bedtime might be your only chance to actually check in. Miss that, and you’re just roommates on parallel tracks.
Ten minutes of real conversation matters more than an hour of being in the same room but distracted.
3. Resolve Small Conflicts
Don’t go to bed angry. You’ve heard it before. It’s true.
Not because one night of anger will destroy your relationship. But because unresolved tension builds. Night after night. Until it’s a wall between you.
You don’t have to solve every problem. But address the tension.
“Hey, I was frustrated earlier. Can we talk about that?” Or “I don’t want to go to bed with this weird vibe between us.”
Why it works: Sleep resets you. If you go to bed disconnected, you wake up that way. But if you go to bed having at least acknowledged the issue, you wake up closer.
You’re choosing connection over being right. That’s what happy couples do.
4. Put Phones Away
This one’s hard. I get it. Phones are right there. Calling to you.
But happy couples have a cutoff time. Maybe it’s 30 minutes before bed. Maybe when you get in bed. Whatever works.
But both phones go away. Charging somewhere else. Not on the nightstand.
Why it works: Phones are connection killers. You think you’re just scrolling for a few minutes. Next thing you know, thirty minutes have passed and you haven’t said a word to each other.
The world can wait. Your relationship can’t.
5. Share Physical Affection
Not necessarily sex. Just touch.
Holding hands. Cuddling. A back rub. A long hug. Lying close.
Physical connection that says “I’m here. I choose you. We’re together.”
Even on nights you’re exhausted. Especially on nights you’re exhausted.
Why it works: Physical touch releases oxytocin. It reduces stress. It creates bonding. It reminds you that you’re partners, not just people who share a bed.
Five minutes of intentional physical affection before sleep strengthens your connection more than you’d think.
6. Express Love or Reassurance
Say it out loud. “I love you.” “I’m glad I married you.” “You’re important to me.”
Or words of comfort: “Everything’s fine.” “We’re in this together.” “We’ll work it out.”
Words matter. Even in long term relationships. Maybe especially in longterm relationships.
Why it works: It’s impossible to say it too often. You might take it for granted, but expressing it repeatedly is never too much.
Going to sleep hearing “I love you” is different than going to sleep assuming it.
Don’t let it become routine. Mean it. Feel it. Say it.
7. Plan for Tomorrow Together
Quick coordination. What’s happening tomorrow? Who’s handling what?
Not a long planning session. Just alignment. So you’re not scrambling in the morning.
“I have an early meeting, can you take the kids?”
“We need groceries tomorrow.”
“Your mom is calling at 3, right?”
Why it works: Knowing you’re on the same page for tomorrow reduces morning stress. You’re operating as a team, not two people figuring things out independently.
Two minutes of coordination saves twenty minutes of morning confusion.
8. Laugh or Relax Together
End the day with something light. A funny story from the day. A video that made you laugh. A joke.
Or just relax together. Read side by side. Breathe. Be calm in each other’s presence.
Don’t let the last thing before sleep be stress or conflict.
Why it works: Laughter and relaxation release tension. They shift your nervous system from stress mode to rest mode.
You’re choosing to end the day on a positive note. That affects your sleep, your mood, and how you feel about each other.
9. Go to Sleep Feeling Connected
This is the goal of all the other things. To close your eyes feeling like you’re together. Not just in proximity, but in connection.
Some nights, everything will click perfectly. Other nights, only a few things will happen. Either way, it’s completely fine.
The goal isn’t perfection. It’s intention. Choosing to end the day connected rather than just ending the day.
Why it works: How you go to sleep affects how you wake up. If you go to sleep feeling close, you wake up closer. If you go to sleep feeling distant, that distance carries into the next day.
Connection compounds. So does disconnection. Choose which one you’re building.
Words of Wisdom
Here’s the thing: these habits won’t save a broken relationship. If you’ve got serious issues, you need more than a better bedtime routine.
For couples who are good but drifting, who love each other yet feel disconnected and are functioning without truly thriving, small changes make a big difference.
You don’t need to do all nine every night. Some nights bring fatigue or interruptions. Choose a few, do them consistently, and be mindful about how the day ends together.
These moments build over time, shaping closeness or distance. A third of life is spent sleeping, and the minutes before set the tone.
Use them intentionally instead of scrolling, staying silent, or going through the motions.
Use them to connect. To appreciate each other. To remember why you chose this person.
Happy couples aren’t happy by accident. They’re happy because they make small, consistent choices to stay connected.
Bedtime is one of those choices. One of the easiest ones to make, actually.
So tonight, try something. Just one thing. Put your phone away. Say thank you for something. Ask about their day.
See what happens when you’re intentional about those last moments before sleep.
I’m betting you both sleep better. And wake up closer.
That’s worth thirty minutes, don’t you think?