We were six months into parenting when we had our first massive fight.
It wasn’t about exhaustion or diapers. It was about something deeper, something we had never actually talked about..
I wanted our daughter in daycare so I could go back to work. He assumed I’d stay home. We never talked about it. Both of us simply assumed the other was on the same page.
We didn’t. And suddenly we had a baby and completely different expectations about how to raise her.
That argument could’ve been avoided if we’d simply talked about it beforehand.
No one really talks about it. Having kids doesn’t just add responsibility. It uncovers the assumptions and expectations you never realized you didn’t share..
Most couples talk about whether they want kids. How many. What names they like.
But they skip the hard stuff. The actual details of how they’ll parent together. How they’ll handle money, discipline, family involvement, career sacrifices.
Then the baby arrives and suddenly you are making huge decisions while tired, emotional, and stretched thin, and you realize you have very different views on things that matter.
These twelve conversations won’t make parenting effortless, but they will save you from discovering major differences when you’re already exhausted and overloaded.
Talk about them now. Before pregnancy.
Before everything becomes more complex. While you can still sit together and have calm, honest conversations without a newborn demanding your attention.
1. Parenting Philosophy
It’s not about whether you want children. It’s about how you imagine raising them and what that life actually looks like.
Strict or gentle? Structured schedules or go-with-the-flow? Attachment parenting or sleep training? How much independence? How much supervision?
My husband and I discovered we had wildly different approaches. He grew up with strict discipline. I grew up with lots of freedom. We had to find middle ground before our daughter arrived.
Questions to ask:
- How were you raised, and what do you want to repeat or change?
- What does good discipline look like to you?
- How do you want to handle behavioral issues?
- What values are most important to instill?
Mismatched parenting styles create constant conflict. You’ll undermine each other. Confuse your kids. Resent each other’s approach.
2. Financial Planning
Kids are expensive. Really expensive. And not just diapers and daycare.
How will you handle the financial impact? Who’s paying for what? How much are you willing to adjust your lifestyle? What financial sacrifices are you prepared to make?
Questions to ask:
- How much can we afford to spend on childcare?
- Will one parent stay home? If so, who and for how long?
- How will we budget for kids while maintaining financial health?
- What about college savings? Activities? Future expenses?
- How do we handle income loss if someone reduces hours?
Money fights destroy marriages. Add kids to financial stress and it’s explosive. Get aligned before there’s a baby to feed.
3. Career and Work-Life Balance
Someone’s career will likely take a hit. Whose? How do you both feel about that?
Will one person stay home? Both work? One work part-time? How long? What happens to career advancement? Who sacrifices what?
I thought we’d figure this out as we went. We didn’t. We fought about it constantly because we’d never actually agreed.
Questions to ask:
- How important is career advancement to each of us?
- Are we both willing to keep working full-time?
- How will we handle sick days, school events, emergencies?
- What does work-life balance look like with kids?
- Are we willing to relocate for career opportunities?
Career sacrifices breed resentment if they’re not mutually agreed upon. Don’t assume. Discuss explicitly.
4. Household Responsibilities
Who’s doing what when the baby comes?
The mental load of parenting is real. It’s more than completing tasks.
It’s keeping appointments in mind, planning meals, tracking milestones, organizing schedules, and carrying the invisible responsibilities that keep a family running.
Questions to ask:
- How will we split night wakings?
- Who handles doctor appointments?
- How do we divide household tasks with a baby?
- Who’s the primary caregiver? Or are we splitting equally?
- How do we handle the invisible labor?
The default assumption that mom handles everything destroys relationships. Decide together how to share the load.
5. Education and Learning
Public or private school? Homeschool? Religious education? How involved will you be in homework and academics?
These aren’t decisions to make when your kid is five. These affect where you live, how you budget, your daily schedule.
Questions to ask:
- What kind of education do we value?
- How much are we willing to pay for schooling?
- How involved will we be in their learning?
- What about extracurriculars? How many? How much?
Education philosophies reflect values. Misalignment here causes long term conflict about where you live, how you spend money, and how you prioritize your kids’ development.
6. Faith and Spiritual Beliefs
Even if you share the same faith, how will you raise your kids in it?
Church attendance? Prayer before meals? Religious education? What role does faith play in discipline, decision-making, daily life?
Questions to ask:
- How important is faith in our parenting?
- What spiritual practices do we want to establish?
- How do we handle it if our kids question or reject our beliefs?
- What about baptism, confirmation, or other religious milestones?
Faith influences everything including values, discipline, community, and priorities. It is important to be aligned on how central it will be in parenting.
7. Health and Lifestyle Choices
Vaccinations? Organic food? Screen time limits? Sleep schedules? Medical decisions?
These practical choices reflect deeper values. And they come up constantly.
Questions to ask:
- What’s our approach to medical care and vaccinations?
- How do we handle nutrition and diet?
- What’s our philosophy on screen time?
- How important is sleep training?
- What about alternative medicine or therapies?
These daily decisions become points of conflict if you’re not aligned. Discuss your philosophies before you’re making real-time choices.
8. Family Involvement
How involved will grandparents and extended family be?
In some families, grandparents are daily presences. In others, they’re occasional visitors. What do you expect? What does your partner expect?
Questions to ask:
- How often will family visit or babysit?
- How much input do grandparents get in parenting decisions?
- What boundaries do we need with family?
- How do we handle unsolicited advice?
- What role do we want family to play?
Family boundary issues wreck marriages. Decide together what involvement looks like and present a united front.
9. Conflict Resolution
You’re going to disagree about parenting. Often. How will you handle it?
Will you argue in front of the kids? Support each other publicly and discuss privately? How do you compromise when you’re stuck?
Questions to ask:
- How do we handle disagreements about parenting?
- Do we present a united front to kids?
- How do we compromise when we fundamentally disagree?
- What’s our policy on undermining each other?
Kids sense division. They exploit it. You need a strategy for disagreeing respectfully and resolving conflicts without damaging your partnership.
10. Emotional Support and Relationship Maintenance
How will you keep your marriage strong under the stress of parenting?
Date nights? Check-ins? Counseling? What’s your plan for staying connected when you’re exhausted and overwhelmed?
Questions to ask:
- How will we prioritize our relationship?
- What does date night look like with kids?
- How do we handle sex and intimacy changes?
- How do we support each other through parenting stress?
- What’s our plan for maintaining connection?
Most couples lose themselves in parenting and wake up years later as strangers. Decide now how you’ll prevent that.
11. Long-Term Goals and Vision
What does life look like in 5 years? 10 years? 20 years?
Children change everything, including living arrangements, careers, and lifestyle. Make sure both of you are still moving in the same direction.
Questions to ask:
- Where do we want to live long-term?
- What does our family life look like in different stages?
- How many kids do we actually want?
- What lifestyle do we envision?
- What are we building toward?
Misaligned visions create friction. Make sure you’re both working toward the same future.
12. Contingency Planning
What if something goes wrong?
Consider scenarios like illness, loss, inability to work, or a child with special needs. Have a plan in place for these possibilities.
These aren’t fun conversations. Have them anyway.
Questions to ask:
- Do we have life insurance?
- What’s our plan if one of us can’t work?
- How would we handle a child with special needs?
- What about guardianship if something happens to us?
- Are we prepared financially for emergencies?
Hope for the best, plan for the worst. These conversations protect your family when life doesn’t go as expected.
Here’s What I’ve Noticed
The couples who struggle most with parenting aren’t the ones with difficult kids. They’re the ones who never aligned on how to parent together.
They assumed everything would work itself out and didn’t see the details as important.
Then reality set in. Differences sparked arguments. Decisions turned into constant negotiations. Days became draining.
Couples who succeed had these discussions early. They aligned on core values and built a parenting partnership before the child arrived.
They still face challenges and disagreements, but they approach them as a team rather than opponents.
These twelve discussions do not promise a perfect experience. Parenting brings unexpected challenges, unplanned situations, and disagreements even with careful preparation.
The difference is that disagreements will come from a place of understanding. Both partners will know each other’s values and have ways to find compromise.
Do not avoid these talks because they feel difficult.
Approach them precisely because they are difficult. Before children arrive is the time to think clearly, speak honestly, and align without pressure.
Kids will change everything. Make sure you’re changed together, not apart.
Have the conversations. All of them. Even the uncomfortable ones. Especially those.
The future versions of both you and your children will be grateful.